Fallen Swords
by Foreverwolf
Summary: For Daniel, there is no other way. Established Slash Relationship.


AN: This was originally posted in Area52, where Italics are almost impossible to get. Thus the Capitals on anything emphasized where there should be Italics.

Enjoy!

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Fallen Swords

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"You aren't ready yet," Janet Fraiser huffed as she slammed down a bundle of his clothes. But he could see the clear signs of grief through her anger.

Daniel offered her a smile as he reached out and took her hand. "Janet, you've been a good friend and a wonderful Doctor. You've somehow managed to keep me in one piece these past years, kept SG-1 together, and I want to thank you for your time and efforts. I'll miss you, very much. You and Cassie both," he offered as gently as he could.

Janet sniffled, and she didn't try to hide her tears. She couldn't believe this was happening. Not now. "Daniel, don't you think this is a bit soon? We still need you. Now more than ever."

Daniel shook his head sadly. "No one needs me. It's been six months since Sam died. I've done all I can, all they'll let me do."

"Don't let the morons on base drive you out. We both know it wasn't your fault Sam died. She did her duty, with honor and pride. Some of us can only dream of going out that way, protecting a member of our team."

Daniel looked away, but not before Janet saw the guilt shimmering in those sad blue eyes. He'd never stopped blaming himself. He'd never had the chance. Too many others did. Even his teammates. Jack O'Neill and Teal'c had disappeared from the young man's life. She'd watched Daniel approach them several times, only to be cruelly rebuffed or harshly accused.

She could only imagine the kind of hell Daniel had been living in these past six months. Every soldier on base was torn between respect for Sam Carter's sacrifice, and pure hatred that it had been a civilian she had died protecting.

"It was MY mistake that killed her, Janet. If I had been soldier enough not to show how much she meant to me, they wouldn't have singled her out," Daniel whispered miserably.

"You don't know that! I read the reports from all of you. All three of you agreed they were out for blood, and weren't particularly picky about whose. You did the best you could to save her. Why can't that be enough for you?"

Daniel's eyes met hers, and Janet could almost swear she could actually SEE the image of Sam's death through them. A never ending loop, replaying itself over and over. It was an image she didn't think Daniel would ever escape, no matter how far he ran.

"Because she's dead. You can quote duty, honor and chain of command all you want, Janet, but it still doesn't change the fact. She was the closest thing I ever had to a sister, and I couldn't save her. That's my burden to bear. Please, Janet, let me go," Daniel pleaded.

Reluctantly, Janet nodded, walking away from the curtained bed. She'd just given Daniel his last physical, his exit. She could stop him. Claim he was mentally not ready to be released from the SGC. It would stop his resignation flat for a while. But it wouldn't help. Daniel would find another way to get out. A large part of her knew she'd never see this gentle man again.

****

Daniel stood in his empty office. This room had been more home to him than anywhere else ever had been. Four years of memories, both good and bad, were held within these dull gray walls. For a moment, they threatened to overwhelm him, but he savagely pushed them back. He wasn't ready for them yet.

"I'm sorry, Sam," he whispered to the empty room. "I won't forget, but I need time."

He closed his eyes against the weight of what he was doing. He'd fought his final battle with the SGC. The civilians would continue to be allowed on SG teams. He'd won. Everything was in order, his replacement had been hand picked by Daniel himself.

He had lost the battle with Jack and Teal'c. He'd tried to be there for them, but was usually met with dead silence from Teal'c, and raging accusations from Jack. There was no hope left. His family, once again, was dead. He was alone.

So now it was time to grieve. To remember his brilliant, brave sister and comrade. "Soon, Sam, very soon."

With a sigh, he turned to leave, only to find Teal'c standing in his doorway, carefully examining the suddenly empty space. His expression was one of confusion and grief.

"DanielJackson." But nothing more. Merely a name that said so much between the two men. What it had meant in the past, and what it meant now.

Daniel pushed down his own feelings of hurt and betrayal. He could offer his once brother this one last thing. He was not the only one who had lost someone he loved.

"It's okay, Teal'c, I understand," he offered gently. Better than any, he understood.

"I wish to forgive you, as you have done for myself many times before. But I cannot. This is frustrating. As a warrior, I have lost many under my command, many I served with. I do not understand my inability to forgive you for something which I logically know is no fault of your own. SamanthaCarter died honorably. Any Jaffa would celebrate such a death. Yet, I cannot stop thinking that if you had understood the language sooner, had not offered yourself in her place, she would not be dead," Teal'c explained quietly.

Daniel nodded, and Teal'c once again saw the sage wisdom of someone who understood all too well, saw too clearly for one so young. His heart ached for the loss of this man from his life, yet he could not define any friendship with the scientist now.

"There's nothing logical about grief, Teal's. It's a raw emotion, pure and unreasonable. It's still too soon to apply something as simple as logic. I'm glad you spoke to me. Forgiveness is not an easy thing to pass. Someday, your mind will forgive me, Teal's, and then many years after that, your heart will forgive me. For now, there is nothing that can be done. Do not feel guilty, or less, because you cannot offer it now. I do not ask it, and I would not accept it. Anything you offered me now would be forced, and untrue. For that, I thank you for your honesty."

Daniel hesitated. There was something else Teal'c needed to know. He wasn't sure now was the time to reveal it, but he was leaving. It was, essentially, now or never.

"Teal'c, there's something else you should know. I'm sorry if it causes you more pain, but I think Sam's biggest regret would have been you never knowing."

Teal'c arched an eyebrow in curiosity, but realized Daniel was waiting for his permission to break a confidence to a dead friend. "I wish to know."

"She had chosen you."

After that, there was nothing left to be said.

****

Janet almost ran through the halls of the SGC. She HAD to get to him before it was too late. She didn't know exactly what had been said yesterday between Daniel and Teal'c, but the base was a small place and everyone knew the Jaffa had been to see him.

She could guess the nature of their conversation since Teal'c had locked himself away for Kel no reem and had not come out yet. She knew the same secret Daniel had carried, that Sam was waiting for the right time before she approached Teal'c with the offer of a relationship.

The three of them had been quite drunk at Sam's house one night. Daniel had brought over several bottles of wine in order to celebrate Janet's published article, the first she had been allowed since joining the SGC. Sam, already giggling from the bottle the two of them had already shared, ushered him in.

Janet blinked away tears. It had been a good night. And, as with many drunken nights, secrets had been revealed. That was why she had to get through to him. So much more could be lost.

Finally, she arrived at Colonel Jack O'Neill's office. He sat quietly signing memos and requests, a subdued presence around him that was just so wrong from the man in front of her.

All her carefully prepared words left her as she blurted out, "Aren't you at least going to say good-bye to him?"

Jack never raised his eyes, merely continued scanning the request form in front of him as he calmly replied, "I think we've already said everything that needs to be."

"Bullshit!" Janet exclaimed. "The two of you have NEVER said all there was between you. Now is no different. All you've done is accuse him of something you know perfectly well wasn't his fault!" She was breathing hard, only now realizing the depth of her rage toward this man, and the way he had treated Daniel. He had stopped, at least, to listen, but remained silent.

She continued. "We ALL lost Sam. Including Daniel. He's got enough of his own guilt, he doesn't need yours too! Especially since we both know it's not him you're angry with, it's yourself! You loved Sam, but you can't handle the fact that there's a large part of you that's glad it wasn't Daniel that died!"

Still nothing. "Now he's leaving. Can you really sit here and let him go? Let him leave with a head full of thoughts about how much you hate him? Just because of your own damn pride?"

Still that calm exterior, that carefully controlled neutral expression. She wanted to reach over and strangle him just to see if he could still feel. He gave her a chance to catch her breath before asking, "Are you finished?"

Surprised, Janet nodded sharply, still shaking with anger. This wasn't the Jack O'Neill she had known. This man was cold, devoid of emotion, as though he had purged his soul in order to continue to function, and calculating. Much like she had imagined him when he was Special Ops.

Jack drew an envelope from his desk drawer.

"For one, Daniel's already gone. I caught him just as he was leaving yesterday. We couldn't say anything to each other. So much had already been said that it was too late to bridge that gap. He handed me this letter, and left," Jack explained.

He held it in her direction, and she pretended not to notice how much his hand shook as she took it, sitting down in the chair across from his desk.

"_Dear Jack  
_

_I can imagine someone tried to guilt you into coming to see me. Probably Janet, since she's the only one left who really cares. Maybe General Hammond, but she's more the meddling kind, our little napolean._

_I can see us standing there, face to face, dying to say so much, but too afraid of what's already been said._

_I can't and won't ask for forgiveness. I haven't forgiven myself yet. To be honest, I don't think I ever will. The burn scars on my hands are enough to be a constant reminder of my failure. This one failure to match the many before._

_But I can offer you forgiveness, my Love._"

Janet's head snapped up and she saw the quiet misery in Jack's eyes, the pieces starting to come together. "Love?"

"For a year, it would have been the day Sam died," Jack replied, motioning for her to resume reading the letter.

"_Our year together was everything I could have asked for, and I want to thank you for that. I felt loved, wanted, desired. To know you felt I was worth risking everything for was a feeling I never wanted to forget. I thank you, for that. To know it's over is almost too much to bear._

_But I understand your reasons, your confusion. You didn't betray her, Jack, by being glad it wasn't me. I'm not sure what I would have done, had it been you. I forgive you for pushing me away._

_Teal'c needs you, more now than ever, to be strong, to be the leader you've always been. He desperately needs someone to follow, to believe in. Lead him well, Jack, and free the Jaffa with him. Wipe out the Goa'uld. Do your duty with the honor that is so much a part of who you are._

_I'm sorry for running, but I couldn't stay. Not even to try and work things out with you. I think we both know that would never have happened._

_In my dreams I see two things. One is Sam, burning alive, screaming at me to stay away. I see me scrambling up the pile of burning wood, but never getting closer to her._

_Then, sometimes, I see us making love. See the way you loved me in every touch, every softly whispered word, every gentle caress. Your smile. Your eyes. Your lips._

_And I honestly can't decide which one haunts me more._

_Leaving was my only option. I hope you understand. I hope you don't blame yourself. You know I'd never want that for you. Can you still respect me enough to me make my own choices? Let me go, Jack._

_Good-bye, my Love.  
Always Yours,  
Daniel."_

Janet looked up in confusion, seeing tear tracks on the Colonel's cheeks, the first hint of the hell he must be suffering beginning to glimmer. He looked old suddenly, and very, very tired.

"Colonel..."

"He's gone, Janet."

And it was only then that she began to truly understand everything. Denial rushed into her.

"Where?" But even as she asked, she knew, could see the cruel truth of it in Jack's eyes.

"He's not coming back."

"No! He WOULDN'T! That's not Daniel's style. He'd stay and fight it out. Hang on with everything he had. If you were lovers, in love, he wouldn't have left that."

Jack smiled sadly. "He tried, Janet. He fought, and he lost. His whole life has been one battle after another. But he's not a soldier. Sooner or later, a man has a right to lay down his arms. He made his choice. He's GONE, Janet."

Janet shook with the fresh grief. Then she looked at the man sitting across from her, REALLY looked for the first time in a long time. No longer blinded by anger and resentment, she saw the man, the soldier, the lover, and the leader. The soul was broken, and the heart hard, but he was still there. Still sitting at this desk.

"And you? What is your choice?"

Jack chuckled, catching it just before it turned into a sob. "He's left me with no choices, Janet. His final gift to me- a mission. To carry on the work we started together, to complete the mission he couldn't. He's exploited my one weakness. I've spent the last years trying to be the man he thought I could be. I couldn't bear to be less in his eyes, so I'll carry on. One day to the next, until I've completed the mission. Like a good soldier."

Janet nodded, not bothering to try and quiet her sobs, as she stood to leave.

"Janet?" She stopped and turned. "What did he leave you?"

She frowned, started to reply 'nothing', but stopped, realizing suddenly that he had. She smiled softly. "A mission. To keep SG-1 together." And she understood, then, that the mission wasn't only to keep O'Neill and Teal'c together, but all of the SGC family. Daniel had always seen the SGC as one whole, not as separate parts. "So you can fight the good fight."

"We'll win, Janet. For him, for Sam, we'll take up their fallen swords, and we'll win."

The End.


End file.
